How I Got Here (Part 1)

….Revisiting My Painful Past

I struggled with the decision to write about my accident, but since its the source of the chronic pain I struggle with daily, I think its time.

Up till June 1995 I was just like every other 22 year old. The difference with me was I didn’t like to party. I wasn’t a big drinker and I didnt like the feeling of being out of control. Through the years, especially high school you see the aftermath of drunk stupidity. Mondays were tell all days or when rumors and reputations were born. It was sad to see and I swore to myself I would never get bombed like that.

Don’t get me wrong, I have and still do enjoy a drink or two but thats it.

Let’s jump to June 30, 1995. Mt best friend and I decided to go see a band at bar Anticipation in Belmar (Lake Como). We’ve never been there and we personally knew the band playing there that night. We figured we would check it out. My life changed that evening. I often think back and cringe. I’m not going to get into the drama that led up to the incident in this post. It’s a lot to write about and honestly still overwhelms me with emotion. So I will continue with the actual accident.

Let’s begin with leaving the bar, technically July 1 @ 1:30 am, walking towards my friends car……

A car drove forward and snagged my foot under a telephone pole being used as a parking lot divider. The pole had rolled initially onto my foot. The car then according to witnesses backed up then came forward again knocking me down and the car pushing the pole on top of me and the car drove up onto the pole while my right leg was pinned under it. So there was a point that I had the weight of both the pole and car on my leg.

The car backed off of the pole and me and took off out of the parking lot with people chasing the driver and screaming that you just hit someone. According to my friend the pole was on top of my lef for 5-8 minutes. Several guys had to lift the pole off of me.

I cannot accurately describe the pain and fright that I felt. First it was the most excruciating pain imaginable followed by nothing because I believe I went into shock and passed out. I found out that the body will only tolerate so much before it shuts down to protect itself. Unfortunately it took 30 minutes or so for the ambulance to reach me. In that time, I truly thought I lost my leg and kept asking the many people around me if my leg was still there.

It was an eternity, so it felt, waiting for help. Strangers staring at you and talking about what happened. When the ambulance did arrive, they had to cut the right leg of my jeans, As they did, there was a collective gasp. I couldn’t help but to pick my head up and look. From the right shin down, my leg and foot were flattened facing to the right in a very unnatural position.

I was then loaded into the ambulance and rushed to Jersey Shore University Trauma unit. I had surgery a few hours later to basically put my Tibia and Fibula back together again.

I decided to add the pictures of my leg for people to better understand where this pain comes from. This is real pain that isn’t gong to be cured with massage, meditation, or happy thoughts, This is real physical tangible pain, This is one part of physically struggle. So in the era of ban all opiods, remember there are those who take them responsibility to help contain some of the pain to have a quality of life.

Opiods aren’t the enemy. I’m on a regimen that maintains a tolerable pain level. It’s not to het high. There is a conversation happening out there, but rarely are we the chronic pain patients invited into the discussion. It’s obvious why, because in a sense we are the voice of the opioids. We are the other side of the argument. They look past us and just see addiction, Opioids=addiction no matter what. we are not factored in at all. People will abuse anything and everything. Look at vaping, it has helped so many but because others abuse, they want to just do away with it. banning and shaming i not the answer because it drives everything underground. I will post a link to a story about a mother who passed out from illegally obtaining Percocet on her toddler and he suffocated to death.

So as a society, we need to redirect this conversation about addiction and look at personal responsibility’. When I hear Dr Drew say pain shouldn’t be the 5th vital sign, I am flabbergasted. It’s obvious the underground opiod trade is going to flourish with these kinds of attitudes. People are getting desperate. Just watch the statistics, you’ll see the overdoses on underground opioids are gonna skyrocket. What I find sad is in the rush to solve one problem, they are creating another that will be even bigger than they can imagine!

Please, Doctors and Lawmakers and even the media, give Chronic Pain Patients a seat at the table so we can help and bring common sense back to treating pain patients with dignity.

These photos are just the beginning, recovery was difficult. In my opinion, I’m still recovering and adjusting to daily life. The pain is real…

Almost three weeks post surgery
Titanium Rod and Screws Inserted into the Tibia

Almost Three Weeks post Surgery.

2 AM bloggin’

2 am and I’m up and running., no choice in the matter, but here I am. There are many reasons why I am up and you could probably guess a few just by reading the name of my blog site. I would love to sleep longer but chronic pain and my husbands snoring are not the best combo (sorry babe, you know its true, but I’ve been know to tear it up as well😴😳🤭).

But, this really isn’t about sleep, I have already covered that odyssey. It really doesn’t matter how I wake it up, its why……pain in some spots and a tingle numbness in another. However, I also find myself with a very full brain. As soon as I open my eyes, its pain and a full brain swimming in all sorts of thoughts.

I have to laugh a little though, because right here and right now is physically and mentally my most productive time. I’m ready to take on the day, thinking about all the stuff I want to do, but realizing its 2AM!!!! It’s not like I’m gonna go food shopping or vacuum! So I sit, and now, thank heavens I write.

There is something to be said for this time in the morning. In the summer, I would often times go outside to the deck and set myself up on the table and start writing while listening to music and watching the sunrise. That was and is my time and my time only. My peace to think and prepare myself for the day.

Yes, my peace. Something I realized I needed as a coping mechanism. Then I needed an outlet for my thought or energy, yes energy. Energy that’s often times drained by noon. Anyway, i started with coloring. Those big beautiful therapeutic books filled with very detailed pictures of flowers and birds to fill with vibrant colors to create your next masterpiece. Spent about $40 on books, coloring pencils, and fine tip color pens…….well, not for me, I tried, not for me!

It wasn’t until my hospital stay in June for an MS Relapse ( now thats a story for another blog) that I understood journaling. I was under the impression of it being a Dear Diary situation. Wrong again, kinda. It can be anything at all, anything you want to create. It only took me all my life to just figure this out. My first inkling was a year or so when I saw a story about dot journaling. Then the rest was history.

Everyone needs an outlet. Everyone needs a place to put there thoughts, anxieties, stresses, and just concerns about their lives and illnesses. I found writing to be mine.

I am so grateful for the people who follow my blog, I really am. I feel connected and I get to learn from others. So, 2am blogging for me is my time, my precious time and I feel like I have accomplished something and start the day in a positive light.

Have a Fantastic Day ❤️Read More »